Extraordinary Marriage Project: And Action!

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I didn’t know how to dance before I got on a dance floor and started dancing. I didn’t know how to ride a bike before I got on a bike and started riding. I learned to dance by dancing. I learned to ride by riding. And I have learned to relate by relating.

Knowledge and instruction are useful and needed, but they are a different domain than action and cannot access the lessons that only action can provide. We can spend so much time preparing for a mate—seminars, books, retreats—that we neglect to engage in the active process of finding one. By active I don’t mean stressed and striving and busy. I mean showing up with intention and awakeness, willing to risk and get uncomfortable because love is calling us to grow. The Hebrew patriarch, Jacob, worked his a$$ off for 14 years to be with the woman he loved. What would it look like for you to be in action with God for the marriage you desire?


When your words and actions align, you have increasing power to move your life forward; it leaves you effective. When your words and actions do not align, you have decreasing power that leaves you stuck and ineffective. If you feel stuck in dating, your next step is to take action congruent with what you say you want. Look for this with your potential mate as well.

Whenever there is a discrepancy between words and actions, look to the actions. They’re telling the truth.

What is seen comes from the unseen, tangible from the intangible, outer doing from inner being.

Getting stuck in not knowing “how” to date—communication, vulnerability, risk, connection, etc.—is quickly remedied by choosing to do it anyway. Choice leads the way for knowledge and skill to follow. “Choose to” creates the space for “how to” to show up and play in.

Who you are being shapes how you are seeing—how you see yourself, your partner and what’s possible. All of your actions come from that.

Commitment is expressed in action. You can always see what you’re truly committed to by the action you’re taking. What kind of relationship do your actions reveal you’re committed to? What about the actions of the person you’re dating?

Where procrastination is present, commitment is absent. Here’s the only system you need to eliminate procrastination: create a genuine commitment.

Are you willing to generate the commitment required for the relationship you desire?

The idea of relationship and the experience of relationship are two different things. You can stay in your head thinking, wishing and dreaming of relationship or you can get into the world and bring a relationship to life.

Just because you’ve tried all you know in finding a life partner, doesn’t mean you’ve tried everything. Consider the possibility that there are other ways…ways you don’t know you don’t know. Keep your eyes open and choose to discover them.

What you tolerate you validate. Tolerating unworkable situations and behaviors in yourself or your relationship gives them permission to continue.

Who you are being equals the action you are taking.

Be fully responsible for your thoughts, feelings, choices and actions. Responsibility is your Ability to Respond. It’s the only way to move forward.

Some consider the long-term impact of their action. Few consider the long-term impact of their inaction. What will it cost you if you delay action regarding your mate?

How can you know if this person’s actions are a true expression of their character or a clever cover-up they’re using just to get you? Time. Consistent behavior over time.

Look for consistency over time. Initial enthusiasm is not a substitute for increasing consistency.

Is the person you’re dating actively building trust with you? A trustworthy person will demonstrate it rather than expect that you blindly give it.

The internet has made dating very convenient—too convenient—with endless options at your finger tips, all from the convenience of your couch. The only required effort is to click on the next profile. But a person intent on marriage will cast convenience aside, get ridiculous and invest their energy in being together. A relationship requires real investment from you both. You will value what you invest in, not what’s convenient for you.

Instead of telling yourself that it’s taking too much time and effort to find a mate, try this on instead:  It’s taking only the amount of time and effort that it’s taking.  It’s not too much.  It’s never actually too much.  It’s just the amount that it is.  Always.  Does that open a new possibility for you?

Be Great!


Becky Henderson
Becky Henderson
I am a catalyst to uncover the blocks and barriers getting in your way of creating the life you desire. Together we can transform the obstacles into opportunities. I listen to what you say…and what you do not say. Similar to a mirror, I show you what you cannot see on your own right now, and tell you what is necessary to create the results you are looking for. I value who you are and where you want to go in life.
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  • Jenn

    I have been so beeewdlrid in the past but now it all makes sense!


    I heard Cheryl Strayed on NPR when Wild came out, and I admired her then. I would love to read it. No, I have not read The Blue Jay’s Dance – do you recommend it?


    – contactul simpaticei tale palariute cu fulgii nu poate fi evitat…asa ca lasa-i sa-si subtieze consitentza pe epiderma ei. … se vei avea culuar “din privire”, ochisorii tai negri dulci- acrisori sunt mult prea evidentzi…doar daca omuletzii stradali intra in transa hipnotik- cromatic vorbind, Verduzia pare mai multe semafor decit camilo-femie- gindeste-te doar la suferinta peretului care suporta lascivitatea afisului…

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