“Oh the irony! The men I’m interested in aren’t interested in me. And the ones I don’t want won’t leave me alone. Lord, get me out of this twilight zone! Why can’t I attract a man I’m attracted to? A thousand Mr. Wrongs; will there ever be one Mr. Right? I don’t want to settle for Mr. He’ll Do. Where is the man that knows what he wants, and knows that what he wants is me? But really, in light of eternity, is all this fuss even worth it?” –Becky’s Journal, circa 35 years old.
When it comes to a lifetime partner, what do you want? If you are dating later or longer than you ever imagined, “want” is a familiar frenemy. You love and hate to want. Have you ever considered that you could want in a whole new way? Here’s to a wanting that leaves you inspired and empowered.
When considering what’s possible for you in marriage—what you REALLY want—look to the incredible creative power you were born with rather than any limiting circumstances you were born into.
If yesterday didn’t exist, what kind of relationship would you want for yourself today? What would be extraordinary for you? Get really clear on this. Oh yeah, yesterday doesn’t exist.
Don’t just have what you want, want what you have. Invest in your choices. When you fully experience what you did choose, you won’t get preoccupied with what you didn’t choose.
When you’re motivated only by what you don’t have, watch out! It’s a trap. Once you have it, it’s no longer what you don’t have, and it’s likely you’ll no longer want it. Try on being motivated by a clear commitment to something instead.
Beware of the person that is aimless and unclear about what they want. Their capacity to value and cherish you is proportionate to that clarity. Wait for the person that’s been looking for you and is crazy excited they finally found you.
When a partner tells you they don’t know what they want, you have two options: 1) Stick around as their practice partner for who knows how long, until they meet someone else and 2) Make yourself available for the person who does know what they want, and that what they want is you.
Partnering your life with someone that doesn’t know where they’re going is a ticket to “No Man’s Land.” It’s the destination for the unintentional.
There are people genuinely looking for lifetime love that will entertain an in-the-meantime fling. How you show up is the biggest factor impacting which one they’ll see you as. Do you want to embody Lifetime or In-The-Meantime? It’s up to you, not them.
There may be a disconnect between how your current partner is actually showing up and how you want them to show up. When you drop the fantasy, you will see a way to make room in your life for what you really want.
Your life may look very different than that of your friends and family. Your marriage will probably look different, too. And that’s awesome!
It’s fine for your standards to look different than your parents, siblings, friends and colleagues. Get clear about what you really want. Take a stand for it, honor it. And be open to the way God brings it about.
Resisting where you are right now—single, dating , not yet married—will get in the way of having the relationship you want. It keeps you stuck right there. Accepting where you are right now opens up a space to shift your experience with it and access a new reality.
Try on this paradox: Be crystal clear with what you want and completely open to how it shows up. This is “committed but not attached.”
Non-attachment is not indifference. It’s holding a clear commitment to what you desire but free from any thought that would leave you afraid, disempowered or stuck in the process of having it. It creates space to be in your situation just as it is, space to see new ways of going after what you want and space to experience being okay right now independent of your relationship status.
It’s the attachment to how your desire comes about—not the desire itself—that causes worry, upset, fear and grief. Giving up the expectations, rules, shoulds and shouldn’ts dissolves the struggle and leaves you living from love and peace in bringing your marriage to pass.