How was it to try on the possibility this past week that Your Life Is Already Perfect, that the thing you have made wrong about yourself or someone else is actually serving you quite well? Did you discover anything you didn’t see before?
I know this was a strange request. Most people don’t ask you to consider how the things you call ‘wrong’ can actually be working for you on some level. No, our usual approach is to identify what’s wrong and then fix it. And today I’m asking you to consider another strange possibility in that there is nothing to fix!
When we judge the behavior or situation as wrong, it keeps us relating to it through that particular lens, which determines what we will and won’t see. It keeps us recreating what we already have. Carl Jung famously said, “What we resist persists.” Resistance creates a pressure that keeps the dynamic in place. In resistance, there is no access to the space or power needed to create something new. And in resistance, there is no ability to see the way in which the situation is serving us.
Last week I told you about Kay and her struggle with weight. Kay made some powerful discoveries about her weight when she set aside the judgment that it was wrong and tried on the possibility that it was serving her. She noticed she used it to feel safe and avoid failure. She noticed how she made it
responsible for not getting what she wanted in love, career and emotional wellbeing; it got her off the hook. She noticed how it kept her relatable (acceptable) to the rest of her family who also struggled with weight. She was able to see that there was nothing right or wrong about the weight and that it was just a solution to several things in her life. When she distinguished that, she was able to consciously choose how she would deal with those things moving forward.
Kay saw she could choose to let go of her story around failure and create a willingness to take risks. She saw she could shift into being responsible for the kind of relationships and career she was forming. She saw that she was really trying to get acceptance from her family that she wasn’t willing to give herself, and once she chose to be first in line to accept herself she was empowered to make health choices that looked very different than the ones she had been raised with. She experienced a phenomenal transformation in several areas of her life, and within a year she was living freely at the weight she had struggled to attain for years.
By letting go of her judgments and acknowledging how her “wrong” behavior had been working for her, what opened up for Kay was a new possibility to choose, rather than a list of things to fix. There was nothing to fix. There IS nothing to fix. Accepting what is gives us access to the space and power to create what isn’t. Just distinguish and choose. That’s really it.
What becomes available to us is a new possibility; there is no guarantee we are going to choose it. I once heard Scott Byrd, a masterful coach, say, “You don’t have the choices you don’t see.” The difference is that once we see it, we have access to choosing rather than being run by unconscious programs. And then we get to be responsible for the results created by those choices. So what new choices are you beginning to see in your area of complaint? Choose wisely!