Your Life Is Already Perfect

 Are you arguing with today’s title? Good!  A year ago I would have. So I get that you may not agree with this position. That’s fine.

Just forget the title for now. I’ve got a question for you. What is something in your life that you are complaining about AND not doing anything to actually change? This is going to be something about yourself or someone else that you see as wrong or broken in one way or another. It could be your relationship, lack of relationship, health, weight, job, addiction, organization skills, discipline, family, debt, business partner or colleagues. Have it in mind? Okay, now let me tell you a very interesting story.

I know a woman named Kay. She struggled with her weight all her adult life. Her complaint sounded like, “I just can’t lose this extra weight, no matter what I try!” And anything she did try was short-lived; she tried and stopped, tried and stopped. She judged herself and the extra weight as wrong and bad. She complained that her weight was the reason she was still single, couldn’t hold a job and felt depressed most of the time. If she could just get her weight under control, everything else would go right for her. So Kay had a lot of story around her weight and what she could or couldn’t do because of it. The most powerful story, however, was that there was something wrong with her weight that needed to be fixed.

So consider the possibility that even though Kay’s weight was much more than she wanted it to be, it was actually perfect. How can being overweight be perfect?? Anytime we find ourselves in a situation or behavior that we complain about but continue to tolerate—and tolerating can come in the form of repeated trying/stopping—then there is something about that situation or behavior that is serving us on some level. It may be conscious or unconscious. Often it’s unconscious, which is why we may vehemently deny that it could possibly be serving us in any way. And even when the behavior is creating all sorts of obvious problems for us, it is still a solution for something—or many things.

Human beings don’t continue with behaviors that don’t have a payoff, even if the payoff is hidden. Another way to say that is we are always able to give up behaviors that no longer serve us. So if the behavior persists (think struggle), then there is a payoff at work. And it is working perfectly. Always.

Take a look at the area of complaint you identified earlier. And for now, just try on the possibility that if it is persisting, that there is a payoff or benefit you are getting out of it. What does it allow you to do? What does it allow you to not do? Getting to be right and giving up being responsible are two very common payoffs. Sometimes the payoff can also be that it feels normal…even if you don’t like it. It’s just what feels normal, and humans unconsciously gravitate toward dynamics that feel familiar.

What do you notice about your life from the possibility that this “wrong, distressing, bad, unfair, hopeless, frustrating” situation is perfectly serving you right now? How is it operating in your life? And after you notice whatever you notice about that, you may feel compelled to fix it.   That’s where we will continue this very conversation next week in that There Is Nothing To Fix.

Be Great!

Becky